This experience actually happened to my brother Scott, but I was there to witness the occasion.
In 1998, Scott and I were hired at a financial institution at the same time. Our first week on the job was consisted of cold-calling and selling the product (equipment leasing) over the phone. I received a positive response from someone and proceeded to type up a proposal. At the time, I didn't have a computer at my desk, so I used one of the other employee's, which was in a separate office, adjacent to where Scott and I were. As I was typing up my proposal, I heard my boss, who was in the other room, say in a traumatizing tone, "WHAT are YOU doing?" I couldn't see what happened, but it sounded pretty bad, so I got up immediately to see what was going on. I walked into the room and Scott was completely red in the face, and stood like a terrified little boy who just received a scolding from one in authority. He quietly responded to the question, "I thought you were my brother." "WHAT? Do you always grab your brother's butt?" At that point, our boss now saw me and further questioned, "Should I be worried about you two?" I had no idea what was going on, and stood there dumbfounded. I knew I had just been ridiculed, but didn't know what for. "You need to pay closer attention to what you're doing," he said, and walked out of the room. I immediately inquired as to what happened, and Scott began laughing hysterically. It took him a while to gain control, but the story was told. Apparently, our boss was bent over under my desk hooking up some wires for the telephone. Scott thought he was me and grabbed his butt really hard, just to be funny. Oh! I wish I had a camera and caught that moment suspended in time.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
My Worst Nightmare
I just thought of a dream I once had that scared the crap out of me. To this day, I don't know what was real or what was my imagination. Pretty freaky stuff.
This was one of those nightmares I hope never to experience again. I have to set up the background information before narrating the dream itself. I lived with Jim and Carrie (Orem, UT) for about four months before my mission. They lived in an older home that had a trap door in the hallway, when opened, led you down to an unfinished basement which was comprised of concrete and block walls (approximately 200 sq ft). There were no windows or other entrances other than the trap door in the hallway, so when the light was off, it was pitch black at all times. During the winter it would get so cold down there, I would lie in my bed underneath my electric blanket and watch my breath steam in the air as I would exhale. That was actually kind of fun. However, it was Halloween night, 1993. Jim and Carrie were gone for some reason, I don't remember. I thought I could be a big boy and watch one of the scary movies that were on that night. Have you ever seen The Shining? If you have, you know it's not the most uplifting movie. If you haven't seen it... DON'T! That night I watched it for the first time--alone. I was okay during the movie, and even after I got in bed down in the cold, dark, echoing basement-room I was fine. Yes, I was okay until I woke up in the middle of the night to a cat at the foot of my bed. Being that I was half asleep, I thought, "Oh, it's just Ammy (our cat back home in California)." Then I remembered I wasn't in California. I kicked my feet, and sure enough, it was a cat. It meowed a very eerie meow, almost sounding like a dying animal, but at the same time being soft and faint. My heart began jumping around in my chest. The lamp was about three feet away on the dresser, but I was too scared to reach over and turn it on. I finally mustered up the courage to do so, and was just about ready to extend my arm toward the lamp, but the cat let out a blood curdling meow and scurried off into the vast darkness. I immediately jerked my body down and pulled the blanket up to my chin. My eyes wandered around unsuccessfully to see anything in that room which was dark as pitch. The only sound was my heavy breathing. I couldn't bare darkness any longer, so I reached over to the lamp to turn it on. As I did so, a dim voice sounded off in my ears whispering a wicked tone, "I would not do that if I were you." The fear of death was now in control of my mind. I couldn't keep my eyes open. Even in the darkness I held my eyes shut tightly. It was my only hope to escape this sudden delirium. A faint red glare then appeared through my eyelids. I opened them quickly to see the source of its light. The wall behind the lamp glittered with the word R-E-D-R-U-M in blood-red (reverse the order of that word). "I'm dreaming. Wake up! Wake up! I told myself. Turn on the lamp!" I proceeded to do so. The lamp came on, but shone in a red tint. The entire room was then lit in a scarlet hue. No one was there. The writing was gone from the wall. The air seemed even colder now, but I broke out in a sweat. I just froze there as my eyes observed my surroundings. The only desire I had was to get out of that cold basement, but I was too scared to move. I turned the lamp off for a split second, and turned it back on in hopes that the regular white light would be restored to the room. The room then illuminated in its regular lighting and I breathed a sign of relief. I got back in bed with the light on and lay there for what seemed to be hours. My heavy breathing soon became normal. I closed my eyes to go back to sleep, only to later awake in sudden terror as my room was again dark as pitch. That same fiend-of-a voice echoed in my ears, "You are not alone!" I couldn't bear hearing that wicked whisper again. I resolved to run! I was familiar with the room enough to make it in the dark; and I jumped out of bed toward the wooden stairs. As I approached the stairs, my hands flailed before me, trying to avoid anything of danger to me. I ran up the stairs and threw open the trap door. It was morning. A bright yellow glare met me through the window, which comforted me. I was awake. I was safe.
This was one of those nightmares I hope never to experience again. I have to set up the background information before narrating the dream itself. I lived with Jim and Carrie (Orem, UT) for about four months before my mission. They lived in an older home that had a trap door in the hallway, when opened, led you down to an unfinished basement which was comprised of concrete and block walls (approximately 200 sq ft). There were no windows or other entrances other than the trap door in the hallway, so when the light was off, it was pitch black at all times. During the winter it would get so cold down there, I would lie in my bed underneath my electric blanket and watch my breath steam in the air as I would exhale. That was actually kind of fun. However, it was Halloween night, 1993. Jim and Carrie were gone for some reason, I don't remember. I thought I could be a big boy and watch one of the scary movies that were on that night. Have you ever seen The Shining? If you have, you know it's not the most uplifting movie. If you haven't seen it... DON'T! That night I watched it for the first time--alone. I was okay during the movie, and even after I got in bed down in the cold, dark, echoing basement-room I was fine. Yes, I was okay until I woke up in the middle of the night to a cat at the foot of my bed. Being that I was half asleep, I thought, "Oh, it's just Ammy (our cat back home in California)." Then I remembered I wasn't in California. I kicked my feet, and sure enough, it was a cat. It meowed a very eerie meow, almost sounding like a dying animal, but at the same time being soft and faint. My heart began jumping around in my chest. The lamp was about three feet away on the dresser, but I was too scared to reach over and turn it on. I finally mustered up the courage to do so, and was just about ready to extend my arm toward the lamp, but the cat let out a blood curdling meow and scurried off into the vast darkness. I immediately jerked my body down and pulled the blanket up to my chin. My eyes wandered around unsuccessfully to see anything in that room which was dark as pitch. The only sound was my heavy breathing. I couldn't bare darkness any longer, so I reached over to the lamp to turn it on. As I did so, a dim voice sounded off in my ears whispering a wicked tone, "I would not do that if I were you." The fear of death was now in control of my mind. I couldn't keep my eyes open. Even in the darkness I held my eyes shut tightly. It was my only hope to escape this sudden delirium. A faint red glare then appeared through my eyelids. I opened them quickly to see the source of its light. The wall behind the lamp glittered with the word R-E-D-R-U-M in blood-red (reverse the order of that word). "I'm dreaming. Wake up! Wake up! I told myself. Turn on the lamp!" I proceeded to do so. The lamp came on, but shone in a red tint. The entire room was then lit in a scarlet hue. No one was there. The writing was gone from the wall. The air seemed even colder now, but I broke out in a sweat. I just froze there as my eyes observed my surroundings. The only desire I had was to get out of that cold basement, but I was too scared to move. I turned the lamp off for a split second, and turned it back on in hopes that the regular white light would be restored to the room. The room then illuminated in its regular lighting and I breathed a sign of relief. I got back in bed with the light on and lay there for what seemed to be hours. My heavy breathing soon became normal. I closed my eyes to go back to sleep, only to later awake in sudden terror as my room was again dark as pitch. That same fiend-of-a voice echoed in my ears, "You are not alone!" I couldn't bear hearing that wicked whisper again. I resolved to run! I was familiar with the room enough to make it in the dark; and I jumped out of bed toward the wooden stairs. As I approached the stairs, my hands flailed before me, trying to avoid anything of danger to me. I ran up the stairs and threw open the trap door. It was morning. A bright yellow glare met me through the window, which comforted me. I was awake. I was safe.
Monday, September 22, 2008
More stuff I've remembered...
63. I saved Scott Johnson from drowning in a pool. Both Scott and I had hot dates this evening (some time in the summer of '96). Our last stop was the pool at our apartment complex (The Elms, one block south of the BYU campus). As the girls went back to their place to get changed, Scott and I were already in the pool, and having a contest to see who could swim the most laps under water without coming up for air. Scott started first. At the end of his third lap, he came up for air at the deep end and immediately sunk down to the bottom of the pool. I remember thinking that that was odd. Why did he do that? He was laying on the bottom of the pool, for a good minute, with his hands crossed over his chest. Had he not come up for a breath of air, I would have immediately jumped into the pool after him. 30 more seconds go by and I was really starting to worry at this point. He didn't budge. Thankfully it was nighttime, and the pool was lit up, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to see him as well. My instincts took over and I dove into the pool after him, half expecting him to grab me when I got to his body. He still didn't move. With all my might, I grabbed him and pushed his body up toward the surface (all 6-foot-6, 230 pounds of him). When I got to the surface he was faced down in the water, but I couldn't roll him over, as he was full of water and just too heavy. I screamed for help! Fortunately, there were a few guys in the shallow end, and a girl who was a registered nurse (who just happened to be visiting that night) that came to help me. It took all of us to get his body out of the water. I was in such shock, there was no time to panic. The girl immediately started doing CPR, but there was no response. "Come on Scott!" I shouted. Ten minutes prior to this, we were laughing and having fun with our new hot dates. But at that moment time stood still as Scott's blue, lifeless body lay next to the pool before me. All I remember is that the girl kept saying, "he has no pulse, he has no pulse." I was crying. My best friend was dead before me, and there was nothing I could do to help. Just then, someone gave me oil and asked if I wanted to give him a blessing. That same person annointed Scott, and I administered, crying. I cried out the words, "You will be made whole," and immediately he started choking. He coughed up a ton water. I thought he had thrown up. At the same time, the paramedics came in the gate, assessed him quickly, and took him off to the hospital. Today, Scott is a married veteran, a dentist, and a father of three children.
64. I was once engaged to a girl who was engaged to another man at the same time (not many people know of this story). Yep, she was a hot latina girl who broke my heart. Freakin' beaner women! (No offense mom) I'm so glad this happened though, otherwise I wouldn't be married to Amy.
65. I dove off a milk truck while it was driving down the street. My uncle Jim used to be a milkman. He invited cousin John and I to go with him one morning on one of his routes. As he approached one of the homes on his route, he slowed down, and John flew out like Superman landing on the lawn like a pro. I thought it was cool and wanted to try it. I waited for my turn to come. Jim turned down a street, slowed down, and I dove... Ouch! I landed on my face and slid in the grass about 10 feet. Just as I'm getting over the pain and shock of the impact of the dive, I look up to see Jim and John driving up the street as if they didn't know I was left behind. I freakin' dove out at the wrong house! They didn't even stop for me. I then had to limp my way up the street to where they were. They still laugh at me to this day.
66. I used to play most of the brass instruments (french horn, trumpet, baritone, trombone, and tuba). I began playing the french horn in jr. high, which is the most difficult brass instrument. Since it is the most difficult though, it helped me learn the other instruments. I played tuba in the concert band my freshman and sophmore year; and trombone in the jazz band during my sophmore year. My junior year, we didn't have a bass player, so Dr. Lavallee asked me if I wanted to try playing jazz bass. I was able to pick it up quickly, and that same year we took first in all the competitions in California. We were then invited to go to Orlando, Florida for a National competition. Out of 50+ bands from all over the US, we placed 1st! It was one of the most exhilarating moments of my life. Hesperia High School was actually famous for a while. In fact, people moved to Hesperia from out of state, just so their kid could be in the band. I miss those days. Unfortunately now the band is just your ordinary high school band. Oh, I forgot to mention that same year we also made a CD, and sold over 10,o00 copies.
64. I was once engaged to a girl who was engaged to another man at the same time (not many people know of this story). Yep, she was a hot latina girl who broke my heart. Freakin' beaner women! (No offense mom) I'm so glad this happened though, otherwise I wouldn't be married to Amy.
65. I dove off a milk truck while it was driving down the street. My uncle Jim used to be a milkman. He invited cousin John and I to go with him one morning on one of his routes. As he approached one of the homes on his route, he slowed down, and John flew out like Superman landing on the lawn like a pro. I thought it was cool and wanted to try it. I waited for my turn to come. Jim turned down a street, slowed down, and I dove... Ouch! I landed on my face and slid in the grass about 10 feet. Just as I'm getting over the pain and shock of the impact of the dive, I look up to see Jim and John driving up the street as if they didn't know I was left behind. I freakin' dove out at the wrong house! They didn't even stop for me. I then had to limp my way up the street to where they were. They still laugh at me to this day.
66. I used to play most of the brass instruments (french horn, trumpet, baritone, trombone, and tuba). I began playing the french horn in jr. high, which is the most difficult brass instrument. Since it is the most difficult though, it helped me learn the other instruments. I played tuba in the concert band my freshman and sophmore year; and trombone in the jazz band during my sophmore year. My junior year, we didn't have a bass player, so Dr. Lavallee asked me if I wanted to try playing jazz bass. I was able to pick it up quickly, and that same year we took first in all the competitions in California. We were then invited to go to Orlando, Florida for a National competition. Out of 50+ bands from all over the US, we placed 1st! It was one of the most exhilarating moments of my life. Hesperia High School was actually famous for a while. In fact, people moved to Hesperia from out of state, just so their kid could be in the band. I miss those days. Unfortunately now the band is just your ordinary high school band. Oh, I forgot to mention that same year we also made a CD, and sold over 10,o00 copies.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
More Stuff (Continuation from previous post)
61. I was once taken in, cuddled, massaged, and sung to by a pretty girl--my sister Cindie (I was about 5 years old). I was so scared of lightening and thunder when I was a kid, it would make me literally curl up in a ball and wish I were dead. Mom and dad were gone one night when there was a bad storm. My sister knew that I was scared, so she had me climb in bed with her. I remember I was completely covered up, head and all. She rubbed my head, scratched my back, and sang "I Am a Child of God". I remember shaking from fright initially, but after a while, she gave me so much comfort and security, I fell asleep. I woke up in my bed the next morning. Thank you Cindie.
62. When I was 17 years old, Michelle Saunders and I were saved by "an angel". She and I were going to Rachel Judd's (Rachel Reese now) house where we were meeting several other friends to hang out and play games. It had been raining for several days in a row, and the roads were flooded. We came to a point in a road (Arrowhead Lake Rd--at the end of the golf course) where the street was so flooded, it literally had turned into a rushing river (it was about 100 feet wide, no joke). Michelle was driving a little Toyota Corolla (I think), so we weren't very high off the ground. We stopped about 50 feet before the river and just kind of looked at each other wondering if we should attempt to cross. A big pick-up truck came up behind us and noticed that we weren't ready to attempt the crossing yet, so he went around us and made the attempt himself. We watched in wonder to see how easily he made it through. We could tell he struggled a bit, but was successfully able to make it. It seemed really deep in the middle, but being young and naive, we thought that if we got enough speed up, the velocity would push us through without any trouble. Michelle floored it! We made it about 30-40 feet into the water and came to a sudden stop. The front of the car was completely submerged. It was very eery. The engine died because of the flooding. It was pitch black, as the headlights were completely submerged. The strong pounding of the rain hit the top of the car, and it sounded like we were in a raft being carried away in white water rapids. Michelle started crying, and I started praying (out loud). We didn't know what to do! I then remembered that the Patterson's lived up the street about 1/2 mile. I thought I could run up there and get help, but I didn't want to leave Michelle alone. She told me she would be fine and that I needed to go, as that was our only hope. I don't remember why she didn't come with me (looking back on it now, I feel really bad that I didn't make her get out and come with me. It wasn't safe for her to stay there by herself.) As soon as I opened the car door, water got into the car. I remember it going up passed my knees when I got out. That was really scary! I thought the water was going to carry me away. I had to hold on the car so the current didn't knock me down. When I was able to get out of the worst part, I started to run. I was so wet I could have rung myself out from any part of my body. Before I even got out of the river of water, I saw two headlights heading towards me. I didn't want Michelle to be there alone with whoever it was, so I started back to the car. As the car approached, I noticed that the headlights were high off the ground. It must have been a big rig or something (is what I thought). When it got closer, I noticed it was a raised truck. He stopped, got out and shouted, "Mike!" Mike! Is that you?" I hesitantly said, "Yes. It's me. Who are you?" I couldn't see who it was, other than the fact that he had a beard. All he said was, "I'm here to help you." I had never seen this guy in my life. How did he know my name? How did he know we were stranded? Without even asking what was wrong or saying another word, he got back in his truck, pulled right through the water (with no problem). He parked his truck about 10 feet in front of Michelle's car. I didn't know what to do, so I got back into the car. Michelle asked, "Do you know him?" "I've never seen him before in my life," I said back. He got out some chain, bent down under the water to hook it up to the car, and then got back in his truck. Michelle and I just kind of looked at each other in disbelief. Before we could say anything to each other, we were pulled through the water. It was so deep, it literally submerged the entire car for a second. When we were out, I got out to thank the guy as he was unhooking the car. He didn't say a word to me, but got back in his truck and took off. It was the weirdest thing. The car had been submerged for a good 1/2 hour before this guy (who neither of us had seen before, but knew my name, AND knew we were stuck) came to bail us out. Michelle turned the key and the car started right up, without any hesitation. We were off to our destination, as we had been saved by some bearded man we never knew, but somehow knew us and was able to get us out.
Whoo... that was longer than I had thought it would be.
62. When I was 17 years old, Michelle Saunders and I were saved by "an angel". She and I were going to Rachel Judd's (Rachel Reese now) house where we were meeting several other friends to hang out and play games. It had been raining for several days in a row, and the roads were flooded. We came to a point in a road (Arrowhead Lake Rd--at the end of the golf course) where the street was so flooded, it literally had turned into a rushing river (it was about 100 feet wide, no joke). Michelle was driving a little Toyota Corolla (I think), so we weren't very high off the ground. We stopped about 50 feet before the river and just kind of looked at each other wondering if we should attempt to cross. A big pick-up truck came up behind us and noticed that we weren't ready to attempt the crossing yet, so he went around us and made the attempt himself. We watched in wonder to see how easily he made it through. We could tell he struggled a bit, but was successfully able to make it. It seemed really deep in the middle, but being young and naive, we thought that if we got enough speed up, the velocity would push us through without any trouble. Michelle floored it! We made it about 30-40 feet into the water and came to a sudden stop. The front of the car was completely submerged. It was very eery. The engine died because of the flooding. It was pitch black, as the headlights were completely submerged. The strong pounding of the rain hit the top of the car, and it sounded like we were in a raft being carried away in white water rapids. Michelle started crying, and I started praying (out loud). We didn't know what to do! I then remembered that the Patterson's lived up the street about 1/2 mile. I thought I could run up there and get help, but I didn't want to leave Michelle alone. She told me she would be fine and that I needed to go, as that was our only hope. I don't remember why she didn't come with me (looking back on it now, I feel really bad that I didn't make her get out and come with me. It wasn't safe for her to stay there by herself.) As soon as I opened the car door, water got into the car. I remember it going up passed my knees when I got out. That was really scary! I thought the water was going to carry me away. I had to hold on the car so the current didn't knock me down. When I was able to get out of the worst part, I started to run. I was so wet I could have rung myself out from any part of my body. Before I even got out of the river of water, I saw two headlights heading towards me. I didn't want Michelle to be there alone with whoever it was, so I started back to the car. As the car approached, I noticed that the headlights were high off the ground. It must have been a big rig or something (is what I thought). When it got closer, I noticed it was a raised truck. He stopped, got out and shouted, "Mike!" Mike! Is that you?" I hesitantly said, "Yes. It's me. Who are you?" I couldn't see who it was, other than the fact that he had a beard. All he said was, "I'm here to help you." I had never seen this guy in my life. How did he know my name? How did he know we were stranded? Without even asking what was wrong or saying another word, he got back in his truck, pulled right through the water (with no problem). He parked his truck about 10 feet in front of Michelle's car. I didn't know what to do, so I got back into the car. Michelle asked, "Do you know him?" "I've never seen him before in my life," I said back. He got out some chain, bent down under the water to hook it up to the car, and then got back in his truck. Michelle and I just kind of looked at each other in disbelief. Before we could say anything to each other, we were pulled through the water. It was so deep, it literally submerged the entire car for a second. When we were out, I got out to thank the guy as he was unhooking the car. He didn't say a word to me, but got back in his truck and took off. It was the weirdest thing. The car had been submerged for a good 1/2 hour before this guy (who neither of us had seen before, but knew my name, AND knew we were stuck) came to bail us out. Michelle turned the key and the car started right up, without any hesitation. We were off to our destination, as we had been saved by some bearded man we never knew, but somehow knew us and was able to get us out.
Whoo... that was longer than I had thought it would be.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
My Interesting, Funny, Bizarre, and Crazy Life
I actually got this idea from my cousin Joe who posted a list of interesting things about himself. As I read his post and laughing to the point of tears and an upset stomach, I couldn't help but reflect on my own life.
1. I married a blonde. If you understand the irony of that statement, you would have known me to not like blondes, and vowed that I would never marry one. No, my dream was to marry a hot dark-skinned, dark-eyed, dark-haired beauty, and have "beaner" children running around my house. Instead I married a hot light-skinned, green-eyed, blonde-haired beauty that gave me the equivalent features in our children (except for their brown eyes). I love you Amy!
2. I moved to Brazil when I was 19 years old as a full-time missionary representing The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I lived among the people of Brazil for two years, learned their language (Portuguese) and taught them the gospel of Jesus Christ.
3. I had 18 different missionary companions (9 American and 9 Brazilian), and we baptized about 70 people during those two years in Brazil.
4. In my first area, Sao Jose do Rio Preto, I felt like John Cusack's character in Better Off Dead, as the pyschotic paperboy chases him all over the place yelling, "I want my two dollars!" Well, it wasn't a paperboy, but there was this drunk guy that chased us all over town and begged us to baptize him. "I want to be baptized! Baptize me now!" One time he stole my missionary tag and put it on his shirt. "I'm not giving this back until you baptize me!" he shouted. The last thing I needed was for people to see this drunken pyscho wearing MY tag and bearing Christ's name. As I tried to get it back he kicked me and told me that it was his now. My companion held his arms behind his back and I was able to quickly grab my tag. We both took off running. From that day on he would literally chase us in his car and on his bike. We spent a lot of time hiding from that guy each day. This went on for about two months.
5. I was accused of kidnapping a kid on my mission. The story was published in the papers, and all over the news. It was my first and only run in with the cops ever in my life.
6. I cast a demon out of a possessed 14 year old girl. At the same time I cast out a Catholic priest and two ministers who were in the same room as the girl, as they were trying to help, but I pointed to them and shouted, "You don't belong here!" They didn't argue, and left immediately afterward.
7. I was literally boiled alive. I had a worm host, or should I say feast on my right foot and ate about an 1 inch x 1/2 inch crater before a doctor had me place it in boiling hot water to kill the worm. I had no feeling in my foot for over a week, and thought I would never be able to walk normally again.
8. I witnessed a car accident that decapitated one of the backseat passengers and left the other dead with two detached arms. There was a 12 year old boy who was seated in the front passenger's seat that walked away from the accident. Anytime I hear a loud explosion I think of this experience.
9. When I first got to Brazil, I didn't know much more in Portuguese than being able to bear a simple testimony, say a simple prayer, and ask where the bathroom was located. When I was leaving Brazil I had someone ask what part of the country I was from. I played it off by saying I was from Porto Alegre, a state in southern Brazil. That was one of the best compliments anyone ever gave me on my mission.
10. My first baptism was a man by the name of Carlos Marcos Silva Ribeiro Lamagna. My companion had to hold up a card with his name written on it as I read it. I had to restart the ordinance several times.
11. My second baptism was a woman by the name of Eliqoliolanda Lorena Batista de Souza. I had to restart the ordinance several times.
12. I baptized Winston Churchill. Winston Churchill de Batista was his full name. I had to try hard not to laugh.
13. I ate dinner with Cary Grant. Carey Grant de Batista was his full name. I did laugh.
14. I baptized about 10 people in water that was literally 45-50 degrees Fahrenheit. My hands, feet, and lips were blue.
15. I baptized an 84 year old woman who couldn't walk, so it took three of us to get her into the water, two of us to hold her up in the water and immerse her, and four of us to get her out of the water. I don't remember her name.
16. I received a love note from someone on my mission in the middle of Sacrament Meeting. My companion nonchalantly hands me a piece of ripped paper. I looked at the back, and written in English were these words, "I love you." I look over, and one of our investigators (who was certainly not ugly, I might add, but that's all I'll say about that) blows me a kiss. I nervously look around to make sure nobody is watching. I show the note to my companion and he starts to laugh. "What do I do?" I whispered. "Don't blow a kiss back," he replies.
17. I ate bull testicles, pig ears and pig snout, horse butt, monkey brains, and much more. After eating the first few items on the list I thought it was best not to ask what we were eating.
18. I slept with cockroaches every night for two months.
19. I slept with spiders every night for two years. Spiders were my friend. They ate all the other bugs around and left me alone. Any time I was transferred to a new area and saw spider webs above my bed, I would think, "Sweet! A new friend."
20. I took a shower with a black snake. Later my companion killed the snake with our metal pronged broom.
21. I got electrocuted while taking a shower. The water is heated by an electric current. Live open wires and water don't mix.
22. I was chased by a bull in the middle of a plantation in Sao Jose do Rio Preto, Brazil. I screamed like a little girl with scriptures in hand.
23. I saw the biggest spider I've ever seen in my life (at least the size of my hand) in our kitchen, and my companion jumped on it and squashed it. I've never seen a messier squish.
24. I killed over 200 cockroaches and had a bond fire with their corpses. How do I know there was over 200? I don't. But I'm probably close.
25. I lived and worked in three different states (Utah, California, and Florida) in less than 6 months.
26. In jr. high and high school I was known as Elvis.
27. I rolled a go-cart with no roll bars, which footage was caught on tape by cousin John.
28. I got peed on by my brother Scott while I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep. He simply walked over, pulled down his pants, and started peeing on me. He was about 5 years old.
29. I got peed on by my cousin John while I was in my grandparents' jacuzzi. I came up out of the water, as I was completely submerged (head and all), and I began to wipe the water from my eyes. The problem was that the water wouldn't wipe off. I opened my eyes to find out what was going on. To my surprise, I see John sitting on the edge of the jacuzzi with his shorts down and a stream of urine arching its way over to my head. He was about 16 years old.
30. Everyone within eyesight at Huntington Beach saw me in my birthday suit. I was trying to impress a cute girl that I had noticed earlier in the day. She and her friends had set up camp next to ours, so I was standing next to our fire with my shirt off, just wearing my swimming trunks. I've got my arms crossed as she's looking at me, and I'm looking at her. It was beautiful. All of a sudden, I feel my trunks go down to my ankles. My trunks were the only thing that was covering my manhood, so I bend over to pull up my shorts, not knowing that other people were behind us (other cute girls I might add) to give me an overwhelming applause and hoots and hollers. I immediately look around to see who the culprit was of pulling down my britches. My brother Scott was close by, so I began to pound him, not knowing that he was sick and just a bystander to the actual incident. Cousin Joe exposed me to everyone that day. Thanks Joe. I was about 16 years old.
31. I had a diarrhea attack at Seven Peaks while ice skating with a hot girl on our first date. All night long I wanted to hold her hand. All the couples were holding hands as they skated together to the music. It took me half the night to muster up the courage to grab her hand. I finally did it and she looked at me with a smile. Things couldn't have been better. Then all of a sudden, I had to fart. I didn't want it to come out, so I squeezed my buttcheeks as hard as I could as I skated. It wasn't easy, but I pulled it off like a pro. The song ended and another slow song came on. I couldn't hold my fart any longer, so I let it go just praying that it wouldn't be loud. It wasn't loud, but it was juicy. It was one of those that some people call a shart or foopy (fart and poop at the same time). I stopped skating and squeezed my cheeks tighter than ever. She knew something was wrong. "Are you okay?" she asked. I simply nodded and asked if she would mind if I used the restroom. Without waiting for her reply, I was off skating like a speed skater in the winter olympics. The gold metal wasn't on my mind though, it was better than gold--a place to relieve myself. As soon as I reached the bathroom, found my stall and sat down, not a second went by before I went nuclear. I swear I lifted up two feet. The guy next to me started busting up laughing. Other's in the bathroom started laughing. I was busting up (in more ways than one). There were more guys that entered the bathroom, and upon receiving the salutation of my nuclear waste into their nostrills, they immediately turned back around and headed for the exit saying, "Oh man! Someone's sick in there!" I was fixated to that pot for at least 20-30 minutes. Even after I was done I waited for the last guy in the bathroom to leave, as I was too embarrassed for them to see my face. When it was clear for me to get up and leave the stall, I took my chances, got up, flushed, darted to the sink, washed my hands and walked nonchalantly out the door. To my horror, my date was sitting on the bench that was just a couple feet away from the door. She looked at me in a disgusted-worried look and asked, "Are you sure you're okay? Do you need to go home?" Nothing really ever happened between us.
32. When I was about 8 years old, I had an accident that cut my left eye. The doctors said that the scar tissue would prevent me from being able to see out of that eye, as it cut across the cornea. My home teachers came to the hospital and gave me a blessing, which stated that my eye would heal completely, and that I would have full use of it. To this day, my vision is better out of that one eye than my other.
33. When I was 13 years old, I was in a severe bike accident that pretty much removed the entire left side of my face. I missed school for several days, and was told that my face would have a lot of scarring. The doctor told me I couldn't go back to school until my face had healed enough to be able to function normally, and until most of the scabbing was gone. What? My whole face was one big scab! It was the last week of school, and I wanted to go! That night I prayed and prayed that somehow I would be able to go to school the next day. I woke up and felt better than I had in a long time, looked in the mirror... believe it or not, my scabs were gone, I went to school! To this day my face has no scarring.
34. When I was about 25 years old (married with two children), my wife and kids and I were at my parents house one cold winter evening. I really wanted it to snow. I kept looking at the thermometer outside on the porch to make sure it was cold enough; and then I would look at the sky to see if there was any precipitation. Being the kid that I am, I actually said a silent prayer asking for it to snow. "If it be thy will," I repeated. As I'm looking out the window and looking up into the back porch light I see flakes coming down. I could not believe it, so I went outside to see what those flakes were. I came running in exclaiming, "It's snowing! It's snowing! I prayed that it would snow, and it's snowing!" My brother Ryan was out on a date with his girlfriend at the time (now his wife), and my mom was worried about him driving in the snow. She called him and asked where he was. "I'm in Victorville," he replied. "Hurry home, please. It's starting to snow, and I don't want you driving in it." "What? It's not snowing here," he responded back. "Please just come home before it gets really bad." Being the obedient son that he was (and still is), he took Tiffany home and headed home himself. About 20-30 minutes later, Ryan walks through the door laughing and saying to mom, "Did you guys know that there's only snow on your street, and a ton in your yard?" We didn't understand what he was talking about, so we had to go and investigate. Sure enough, there was a very light dusting that covered only about block. Other than that, there was no other snow. As for the snow in mom and dad's yard, there were several inches all over. Even though this was something simple, it shows the power of a simple prayer.
35. When Amy and I first got married, I was working in downtown Los Angeles, and living in Victorville. Of course I commuted every day, and saw lots of crazy things happen on the 10 freeway. One day, such a a crazy occurence happened to me... I was coming over the Kellogg hill, heading west at about 7:00am (in the middle of rush hour traffic), when I see, at the last second, a big rig tire in my lane (the fast lane). I reacted on impulse and swerved out of the way. My back tires were bald, which threw me into a spin. I spun 3 times, crossing 3 lanes of traffic, hitting the embankment off of the Grand Ave exit, coming out of the spin with my car going backwards straight into the exit sign, and finally stopping in the ivy that was along the freeway. I didn't hit one car! The sign that I supposedly hit was still standing. I know I hit it, because I even flinched at the sound, but it was still standing without a mark, as was my car. When the CHP officer came and was writing the report as to what happened, he couldn't believe that I didn't hit another car at that busy time in the morning. I couldn't believe it either. He also said, "It's a good thing you didn't hit that sign (the exit sign), because there's a hefty fine for knocking those down." I simply smiled and said, "I'm glad I didn't hit it either," but knew that I did. In fact, if you looked closely enough, the sign was actually in the middle of my two tire tracks! Explain that one.
36. I've met and conversed with Tom Hanks on six different occasions. By the sixth time, he recognized me, but didn't know my name.
37. I've also met and conversed with the following people: Ray Romano (very genuine and personable), Christina Applegate (nice, but timid), Drew Carey (very nice, funny and personable), Rita Wilson (nice), Peter Gallagher (acted like my best friend), Jason Alexander (drunk), Bill Pullman (very genuine and nice), Martin Short (drunk and freaking hilarious), Natalie Cole (drunk and not very personable-a disapointment), Angela Bassett (arrogant), Martin Sheen (arrogant), Matthew Perry (acted like my best friend), Wayne Knight (nice and personable), William Shatner (the biggest disappointment for me. Not very personable or geniune. His eyes were bloodshot, so I think he was drunk or high).
38. I was grounded for one year from cousin John. My high school band was performing at Disneyland one day, so John met me at Disneyland for the day. It was also the first day he got his driver's license. I didn't want to go home on the bus. I wanted to go home with John, so I lied to Dr. Lavallee saying that my grandpa was in the hospital after suffering from a heart attack, and that John was going straight over to the hospital from Disneyland. I asked if I could go with him to see my poor dying grandfather. He was reluctant to let me go, as it is illegal for him to do so, but he let me go nevertheless. John and I went out on the town and had ourselves a grand ol' time. Well, until we got back to his house in Fontana. There was a message for me from my dad stating that I must call him immediately. I did so, and to my surprise so did Dr. Lavallee, wishing him the best and stating that he will pray for my grandpa (my dad's dad). What surprised me the most was the fact that my dad actually went along with it and didn't disclose the fact that I lied about the entire situation, and that grandpa was at home in perfect health. Thanks dad. But he did ground me from John for an entire year. That sucked.
39. I stood up in Zeek's Jeep (with no top) on the freeway going 75 mph. I turned my head and pretended to be surfing. As soon as I did this my glasses went flying off onto the freeway. I had a hot date that night, and needed my glasses so I could see her, let alone drive her around. John, who was driving the Jeep, turned the Jeep around so I could retrieve my glasses from the fast lane of the freeway. We found my frames, and and then one lense, and miraculously we found the other lense. I taped my glasses up with masking tape and went on my date. We dated many times after that. She loved me because of my glasses.
41. I bit all the way through my bottom lip after falling off John's skateboard (The kamikaze), and smacking the ground just outside of Aunt Sally's daycare. I still have the scar inside and outside of my mouth.
42. My brother Scott and I used to take all of the Christmas ornaments and lights that were in storage and throw them against the wall in our "playroom", which was more like a storage room in the back of our garage. The bigger outdoor lights gave out a nice pop when they would break. Sorry mom and dad.
43. My brother Scott and I cut a hole in the roof to our "playroom", with which we would use as a toilet. I still remember sticking my naked butt over the hole looking down at Scott asking, "Are you ready?" Scott, with a five gallon bucket in hand, ready to catch my excrement exlaimed, "Ready!"
44. My brother Scott and I would climb on the roof of our house (a shingled rooftop), rip up the shingles and throw them as Frisbees. Sorry Dad.
45. I was involved in a boating accident. When returning to the dock from a day of water skiing at Silverwood Lake, my cousins and I were sitting in the bow of the boat. Grandpa Heywood, who was driving, apparently did not see a small fishing boat ahead. We rammed the boat, and instantly, the little fishing boat's engine broke off and sunk to the bottom of the lake. Nothing but exclamations of profanity exited the mouth of those in the fishing boat. Grandpa said nothing, and in his silence threw a rope to them and towed them to the dock. He never did say or comment about the incident anytime afterwards.
46. I socked cousin John in the face several times when we were asleep. I was dreaming that someone had stolen my birthday cake, so I cornered him and beat the crap out of him. I woke up to John crying.
47. I got sued when I was in 4th grade. Matt Mayoros taught me that when you hyperventilate and hold your breath while someone pushes on your chest really hard, it makes you pass out. We tried this several times and got kind of a high from "passing out". Being the 9 year old kid that I was, I just had to tell all my friends in Mr. Chancelor's fourth grade class. Michael Bowling was the first victim. As he hyperventilated and held his breath, we all (me, Nathan Kindschy, Carl Betts, Ronnie Baltiera and others) pushed on his chest. Michael certainly did pass out. The problem was that none of stayed near him to catch him when he fell. Yep, he fell flat on his face and knocked several teeth out. I believe he had reconstructive surgery as well. His family sued me and all of the other kids involved. I thought I was going to jail. Luckily, I didn't have to.
48. Matt Mayoros also taught me that if I held my breath and pushed the veins out of my forehead with the pressure, it too would also knock me out. I was sitting on the pot at Kelly Fredlund's store (Kelly's Appliance) one evening (I don't remember why we were there, but my dad and Steve were there too). I decided to try Matt's trick. The next thing I know is Steve is yelling to my dad from the bathroom door, "Dad! Something's wrong with Mike." "What do you mean?" dad asks. "I dunno, but he's he's laying on the floor naked in here." Little did they know I "passed out". Don't try this at home boys and girls.
49. I stole Greg Blackwell's car during church basketball practice and got caught. I was sitting on the stage with Sunni and Bambi (I think Bambi was part of this), bored out of my mind. I don't play basketball. Greg was being too cocky for me to watch anymore, so I asked Sunni if we should steal his car for a short joy ride. Next thing I know, we're piling into his car (actually his dad's car) and I drove it around the church building. As I was just about ready to pull out of the parking lot Greg came out (pissed!) looking for his car. All I remember was him yelling at me, "D****t Mike! You don't steal people's cars!" Thanks Greg for that sound advice.
50. I won a car on The Price is Right!
51. I won two jet skis, but couldn't claim them because Ryan worked at the Hoagie Yogi where I filled out the raffle. Conflict of interest.
52. I worked at Walt Disney World (Disney MGM Studios to be exact) as an International Tour Specialist. My title sounded fancy, but all I did was translate and ride rides with all the guests who spoke Portuguese. I even got to eat dinner with those who invited me, while I was still working! That was the best job ever.
53. I signed hundreds of autographs on my mission, as all the teenagers thought I was some famous actor. I played along with it most of the time. Tom Cruise and Arnold Schwarzenegger were my next door neighbors. It was fun being famous.
54. I sang Tootie Frootie and Great Balls of Fire in front of hundreds of adoring fans while on my mission. Yes, on my mission. We lived in a college town, and about 5 blocks from the college. It wasn't just the teenagers that thought I was famous. That week my companion and I taught about 50 different college girls (no exaggeration). I have pictures that captured it all. As a missionary, this was extremely difficult, as one could imagine. The most difficult part was trying to convince them that I was a missionary, and not there to entertain them, let alone date them. Although, we did baptize two of them. That was one crazy area! I think my mission president knew of my weaknesses (I swear I didn't do anything more than a handshake) and transferred me 36 hours away from that area shortly afterward.
55. I was living in Dourados, a small town in the state of Mato Grosso do Sul (Thick Jungle of the South) when we were hit with the biggest tropical storm I have ever experienced. I thought I was going to die. It rained more in one hour than Los Angeles gets in 2 years. The power went out all over town, so it was literally pitch black for hours. Our roof worked as well as a tree covering the ground. I don't know how many leaks in the roof there were, but everything in the house was wet! I prayed that I would live to see the sun. Two days later, the rain stopped and the sun came out, and best of all I was still alive.
56. Scott and I would make a special liquid formula for our dog Pepper to drink. I don't remember everything we put in there, but two special ingredients were Tang and pee. It's amazing how much Pepper loved that formula.
57. I filled a 5 liter bucket with puke. This was on my mission, and needless to say whatever I ate didn't agree with me. My companion just sat on his bed and watched in astonishment. I vaguely remember him saying, "Dude, that's amazing!"
58. When I puke, I can't control the sounds that come out. It's quite violent. I've been told I sound like the abominable snowman attacking its prey, or if your my kids you'll laugh at me and say that I sound like a monster. That brings me to a time where I was crawling down the hallway, being that I didn't have the energy to stand up and walk. Aubree and Spencer were in Spencer's room playing. The next thing I know is that I'm puking my brains out in the hallway all over the carpet. They start laughing histerically. I start crying histerically (that's not a joke). As I continue to puke, Aubree sits on the bed, which is visible from where I was and says to Spencer, "Come over here where we have better seats for the show." I started to cry again, but all I could do was puke some more.
59. I had a difficult bowel problem once on my mission. I saw a doctor about the problem, and he said that I needed to bring a stool sample with me to my next appointment. "What do I poop in?" I asked quizzically. "Do you have a jar?" he asked. My thoughts immediately conjured up a pickle jar we had in our refrigerator. "Yes." "That's great. Do your business in the jar and bring it back to me next week." "Next week? Where do I keep it for a week?"... That evening, my companion opened the fridge to get something to drink. I was on my bed reading when I hear a loud scream, "Heywood! What the heck is this jar of CRAP doing in the refrigerator?" I couldn't stop laughing for hours. I love modern medicine.
60. It was once confused, by a waiter, that Bruce Ebmeyer and I were gay partners. About eight years ago, Bruce invited me to go see The Go-Go's and The B-52's in concert. Before the concert we went to PF Chang's for dinner. There were two other couples that were with us, but both had their spouses, and then there was Bruce and me. Let's just say that it was an unforgettable evening.
To be continued when I can think of more good stuff...
1. I married a blonde. If you understand the irony of that statement, you would have known me to not like blondes, and vowed that I would never marry one. No, my dream was to marry a hot dark-skinned, dark-eyed, dark-haired beauty, and have "beaner" children running around my house. Instead I married a hot light-skinned, green-eyed, blonde-haired beauty that gave me the equivalent features in our children (except for their brown eyes). I love you Amy!
2. I moved to Brazil when I was 19 years old as a full-time missionary representing The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I lived among the people of Brazil for two years, learned their language (Portuguese) and taught them the gospel of Jesus Christ.
3. I had 18 different missionary companions (9 American and 9 Brazilian), and we baptized about 70 people during those two years in Brazil.
4. In my first area, Sao Jose do Rio Preto, I felt like John Cusack's character in Better Off Dead, as the pyschotic paperboy chases him all over the place yelling, "I want my two dollars!" Well, it wasn't a paperboy, but there was this drunk guy that chased us all over town and begged us to baptize him. "I want to be baptized! Baptize me now!" One time he stole my missionary tag and put it on his shirt. "I'm not giving this back until you baptize me!" he shouted. The last thing I needed was for people to see this drunken pyscho wearing MY tag and bearing Christ's name. As I tried to get it back he kicked me and told me that it was his now. My companion held his arms behind his back and I was able to quickly grab my tag. We both took off running. From that day on he would literally chase us in his car and on his bike. We spent a lot of time hiding from that guy each day. This went on for about two months.
5. I was accused of kidnapping a kid on my mission. The story was published in the papers, and all over the news. It was my first and only run in with the cops ever in my life.
6. I cast a demon out of a possessed 14 year old girl. At the same time I cast out a Catholic priest and two ministers who were in the same room as the girl, as they were trying to help, but I pointed to them and shouted, "You don't belong here!" They didn't argue, and left immediately afterward.
7. I was literally boiled alive. I had a worm host, or should I say feast on my right foot and ate about an 1 inch x 1/2 inch crater before a doctor had me place it in boiling hot water to kill the worm. I had no feeling in my foot for over a week, and thought I would never be able to walk normally again.
8. I witnessed a car accident that decapitated one of the backseat passengers and left the other dead with two detached arms. There was a 12 year old boy who was seated in the front passenger's seat that walked away from the accident. Anytime I hear a loud explosion I think of this experience.
9. When I first got to Brazil, I didn't know much more in Portuguese than being able to bear a simple testimony, say a simple prayer, and ask where the bathroom was located. When I was leaving Brazil I had someone ask what part of the country I was from. I played it off by saying I was from Porto Alegre, a state in southern Brazil. That was one of the best compliments anyone ever gave me on my mission.
10. My first baptism was a man by the name of Carlos Marcos Silva Ribeiro Lamagna. My companion had to hold up a card with his name written on it as I read it. I had to restart the ordinance several times.
11. My second baptism was a woman by the name of Eliqoliolanda Lorena Batista de Souza. I had to restart the ordinance several times.
12. I baptized Winston Churchill. Winston Churchill de Batista was his full name. I had to try hard not to laugh.
13. I ate dinner with Cary Grant. Carey Grant de Batista was his full name. I did laugh.
14. I baptized about 10 people in water that was literally 45-50 degrees Fahrenheit. My hands, feet, and lips were blue.
15. I baptized an 84 year old woman who couldn't walk, so it took three of us to get her into the water, two of us to hold her up in the water and immerse her, and four of us to get her out of the water. I don't remember her name.
16. I received a love note from someone on my mission in the middle of Sacrament Meeting. My companion nonchalantly hands me a piece of ripped paper. I looked at the back, and written in English were these words, "I love you." I look over, and one of our investigators (who was certainly not ugly, I might add, but that's all I'll say about that) blows me a kiss. I nervously look around to make sure nobody is watching. I show the note to my companion and he starts to laugh. "What do I do?" I whispered. "Don't blow a kiss back," he replies.
17. I ate bull testicles, pig ears and pig snout, horse butt, monkey brains, and much more. After eating the first few items on the list I thought it was best not to ask what we were eating.
18. I slept with cockroaches every night for two months.
19. I slept with spiders every night for two years. Spiders were my friend. They ate all the other bugs around and left me alone. Any time I was transferred to a new area and saw spider webs above my bed, I would think, "Sweet! A new friend."
20. I took a shower with a black snake. Later my companion killed the snake with our metal pronged broom.
21. I got electrocuted while taking a shower. The water is heated by an electric current. Live open wires and water don't mix.
22. I was chased by a bull in the middle of a plantation in Sao Jose do Rio Preto, Brazil. I screamed like a little girl with scriptures in hand.
23. I saw the biggest spider I've ever seen in my life (at least the size of my hand) in our kitchen, and my companion jumped on it and squashed it. I've never seen a messier squish.
24. I killed over 200 cockroaches and had a bond fire with their corpses. How do I know there was over 200? I don't. But I'm probably close.
25. I lived and worked in three different states (Utah, California, and Florida) in less than 6 months.
26. In jr. high and high school I was known as Elvis.
27. I rolled a go-cart with no roll bars, which footage was caught on tape by cousin John.
28. I got peed on by my brother Scott while I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep. He simply walked over, pulled down his pants, and started peeing on me. He was about 5 years old.
29. I got peed on by my cousin John while I was in my grandparents' jacuzzi. I came up out of the water, as I was completely submerged (head and all), and I began to wipe the water from my eyes. The problem was that the water wouldn't wipe off. I opened my eyes to find out what was going on. To my surprise, I see John sitting on the edge of the jacuzzi with his shorts down and a stream of urine arching its way over to my head. He was about 16 years old.
30. Everyone within eyesight at Huntington Beach saw me in my birthday suit. I was trying to impress a cute girl that I had noticed earlier in the day. She and her friends had set up camp next to ours, so I was standing next to our fire with my shirt off, just wearing my swimming trunks. I've got my arms crossed as she's looking at me, and I'm looking at her. It was beautiful. All of a sudden, I feel my trunks go down to my ankles. My trunks were the only thing that was covering my manhood, so I bend over to pull up my shorts, not knowing that other people were behind us (other cute girls I might add) to give me an overwhelming applause and hoots and hollers. I immediately look around to see who the culprit was of pulling down my britches. My brother Scott was close by, so I began to pound him, not knowing that he was sick and just a bystander to the actual incident. Cousin Joe exposed me to everyone that day. Thanks Joe. I was about 16 years old.
31. I had a diarrhea attack at Seven Peaks while ice skating with a hot girl on our first date. All night long I wanted to hold her hand. All the couples were holding hands as they skated together to the music. It took me half the night to muster up the courage to grab her hand. I finally did it and she looked at me with a smile. Things couldn't have been better. Then all of a sudden, I had to fart. I didn't want it to come out, so I squeezed my buttcheeks as hard as I could as I skated. It wasn't easy, but I pulled it off like a pro. The song ended and another slow song came on. I couldn't hold my fart any longer, so I let it go just praying that it wouldn't be loud. It wasn't loud, but it was juicy. It was one of those that some people call a shart or foopy (fart and poop at the same time). I stopped skating and squeezed my cheeks tighter than ever. She knew something was wrong. "Are you okay?" she asked. I simply nodded and asked if she would mind if I used the restroom. Without waiting for her reply, I was off skating like a speed skater in the winter olympics. The gold metal wasn't on my mind though, it was better than gold--a place to relieve myself. As soon as I reached the bathroom, found my stall and sat down, not a second went by before I went nuclear. I swear I lifted up two feet. The guy next to me started busting up laughing. Other's in the bathroom started laughing. I was busting up (in more ways than one). There were more guys that entered the bathroom, and upon receiving the salutation of my nuclear waste into their nostrills, they immediately turned back around and headed for the exit saying, "Oh man! Someone's sick in there!" I was fixated to that pot for at least 20-30 minutes. Even after I was done I waited for the last guy in the bathroom to leave, as I was too embarrassed for them to see my face. When it was clear for me to get up and leave the stall, I took my chances, got up, flushed, darted to the sink, washed my hands and walked nonchalantly out the door. To my horror, my date was sitting on the bench that was just a couple feet away from the door. She looked at me in a disgusted-worried look and asked, "Are you sure you're okay? Do you need to go home?" Nothing really ever happened between us.
32. When I was about 8 years old, I had an accident that cut my left eye. The doctors said that the scar tissue would prevent me from being able to see out of that eye, as it cut across the cornea. My home teachers came to the hospital and gave me a blessing, which stated that my eye would heal completely, and that I would have full use of it. To this day, my vision is better out of that one eye than my other.
33. When I was 13 years old, I was in a severe bike accident that pretty much removed the entire left side of my face. I missed school for several days, and was told that my face would have a lot of scarring. The doctor told me I couldn't go back to school until my face had healed enough to be able to function normally, and until most of the scabbing was gone. What? My whole face was one big scab! It was the last week of school, and I wanted to go! That night I prayed and prayed that somehow I would be able to go to school the next day. I woke up and felt better than I had in a long time, looked in the mirror... believe it or not, my scabs were gone, I went to school! To this day my face has no scarring.
34. When I was about 25 years old (married with two children), my wife and kids and I were at my parents house one cold winter evening. I really wanted it to snow. I kept looking at the thermometer outside on the porch to make sure it was cold enough; and then I would look at the sky to see if there was any precipitation. Being the kid that I am, I actually said a silent prayer asking for it to snow. "If it be thy will," I repeated. As I'm looking out the window and looking up into the back porch light I see flakes coming down. I could not believe it, so I went outside to see what those flakes were. I came running in exclaiming, "It's snowing! It's snowing! I prayed that it would snow, and it's snowing!" My brother Ryan was out on a date with his girlfriend at the time (now his wife), and my mom was worried about him driving in the snow. She called him and asked where he was. "I'm in Victorville," he replied. "Hurry home, please. It's starting to snow, and I don't want you driving in it." "What? It's not snowing here," he responded back. "Please just come home before it gets really bad." Being the obedient son that he was (and still is), he took Tiffany home and headed home himself. About 20-30 minutes later, Ryan walks through the door laughing and saying to mom, "Did you guys know that there's only snow on your street, and a ton in your yard?" We didn't understand what he was talking about, so we had to go and investigate. Sure enough, there was a very light dusting that covered only about block. Other than that, there was no other snow. As for the snow in mom and dad's yard, there were several inches all over. Even though this was something simple, it shows the power of a simple prayer.
35. When Amy and I first got married, I was working in downtown Los Angeles, and living in Victorville. Of course I commuted every day, and saw lots of crazy things happen on the 10 freeway. One day, such a a crazy occurence happened to me... I was coming over the Kellogg hill, heading west at about 7:00am (in the middle of rush hour traffic), when I see, at the last second, a big rig tire in my lane (the fast lane). I reacted on impulse and swerved out of the way. My back tires were bald, which threw me into a spin. I spun 3 times, crossing 3 lanes of traffic, hitting the embankment off of the Grand Ave exit, coming out of the spin with my car going backwards straight into the exit sign, and finally stopping in the ivy that was along the freeway. I didn't hit one car! The sign that I supposedly hit was still standing. I know I hit it, because I even flinched at the sound, but it was still standing without a mark, as was my car. When the CHP officer came and was writing the report as to what happened, he couldn't believe that I didn't hit another car at that busy time in the morning. I couldn't believe it either. He also said, "It's a good thing you didn't hit that sign (the exit sign), because there's a hefty fine for knocking those down." I simply smiled and said, "I'm glad I didn't hit it either," but knew that I did. In fact, if you looked closely enough, the sign was actually in the middle of my two tire tracks! Explain that one.
36. I've met and conversed with Tom Hanks on six different occasions. By the sixth time, he recognized me, but didn't know my name.
37. I've also met and conversed with the following people: Ray Romano (very genuine and personable), Christina Applegate (nice, but timid), Drew Carey (very nice, funny and personable), Rita Wilson (nice), Peter Gallagher (acted like my best friend), Jason Alexander (drunk), Bill Pullman (very genuine and nice), Martin Short (drunk and freaking hilarious), Natalie Cole (drunk and not very personable-a disapointment), Angela Bassett (arrogant), Martin Sheen (arrogant), Matthew Perry (acted like my best friend), Wayne Knight (nice and personable), William Shatner (the biggest disappointment for me. Not very personable or geniune. His eyes were bloodshot, so I think he was drunk or high).
38. I was grounded for one year from cousin John. My high school band was performing at Disneyland one day, so John met me at Disneyland for the day. It was also the first day he got his driver's license. I didn't want to go home on the bus. I wanted to go home with John, so I lied to Dr. Lavallee saying that my grandpa was in the hospital after suffering from a heart attack, and that John was going straight over to the hospital from Disneyland. I asked if I could go with him to see my poor dying grandfather. He was reluctant to let me go, as it is illegal for him to do so, but he let me go nevertheless. John and I went out on the town and had ourselves a grand ol' time. Well, until we got back to his house in Fontana. There was a message for me from my dad stating that I must call him immediately. I did so, and to my surprise so did Dr. Lavallee, wishing him the best and stating that he will pray for my grandpa (my dad's dad). What surprised me the most was the fact that my dad actually went along with it and didn't disclose the fact that I lied about the entire situation, and that grandpa was at home in perfect health. Thanks dad. But he did ground me from John for an entire year. That sucked.
39. I stood up in Zeek's Jeep (with no top) on the freeway going 75 mph. I turned my head and pretended to be surfing. As soon as I did this my glasses went flying off onto the freeway. I had a hot date that night, and needed my glasses so I could see her, let alone drive her around. John, who was driving the Jeep, turned the Jeep around so I could retrieve my glasses from the fast lane of the freeway. We found my frames, and and then one lense, and miraculously we found the other lense. I taped my glasses up with masking tape and went on my date. We dated many times after that. She loved me because of my glasses.
41. I bit all the way through my bottom lip after falling off John's skateboard (The kamikaze), and smacking the ground just outside of Aunt Sally's daycare. I still have the scar inside and outside of my mouth.
42. My brother Scott and I used to take all of the Christmas ornaments and lights that were in storage and throw them against the wall in our "playroom", which was more like a storage room in the back of our garage. The bigger outdoor lights gave out a nice pop when they would break. Sorry mom and dad.
43. My brother Scott and I cut a hole in the roof to our "playroom", with which we would use as a toilet. I still remember sticking my naked butt over the hole looking down at Scott asking, "Are you ready?" Scott, with a five gallon bucket in hand, ready to catch my excrement exlaimed, "Ready!"
44. My brother Scott and I would climb on the roof of our house (a shingled rooftop), rip up the shingles and throw them as Frisbees. Sorry Dad.
45. I was involved in a boating accident. When returning to the dock from a day of water skiing at Silverwood Lake, my cousins and I were sitting in the bow of the boat. Grandpa Heywood, who was driving, apparently did not see a small fishing boat ahead. We rammed the boat, and instantly, the little fishing boat's engine broke off and sunk to the bottom of the lake. Nothing but exclamations of profanity exited the mouth of those in the fishing boat. Grandpa said nothing, and in his silence threw a rope to them and towed them to the dock. He never did say or comment about the incident anytime afterwards.
46. I socked cousin John in the face several times when we were asleep. I was dreaming that someone had stolen my birthday cake, so I cornered him and beat the crap out of him. I woke up to John crying.
47. I got sued when I was in 4th grade. Matt Mayoros taught me that when you hyperventilate and hold your breath while someone pushes on your chest really hard, it makes you pass out. We tried this several times and got kind of a high from "passing out". Being the 9 year old kid that I was, I just had to tell all my friends in Mr. Chancelor's fourth grade class. Michael Bowling was the first victim. As he hyperventilated and held his breath, we all (me, Nathan Kindschy, Carl Betts, Ronnie Baltiera and others) pushed on his chest. Michael certainly did pass out. The problem was that none of stayed near him to catch him when he fell. Yep, he fell flat on his face and knocked several teeth out. I believe he had reconstructive surgery as well. His family sued me and all of the other kids involved. I thought I was going to jail. Luckily, I didn't have to.
48. Matt Mayoros also taught me that if I held my breath and pushed the veins out of my forehead with the pressure, it too would also knock me out. I was sitting on the pot at Kelly Fredlund's store (Kelly's Appliance) one evening (I don't remember why we were there, but my dad and Steve were there too). I decided to try Matt's trick. The next thing I know is Steve is yelling to my dad from the bathroom door, "Dad! Something's wrong with Mike." "What do you mean?" dad asks. "I dunno, but he's he's laying on the floor naked in here." Little did they know I "passed out". Don't try this at home boys and girls.
49. I stole Greg Blackwell's car during church basketball practice and got caught. I was sitting on the stage with Sunni and Bambi (I think Bambi was part of this), bored out of my mind. I don't play basketball. Greg was being too cocky for me to watch anymore, so I asked Sunni if we should steal his car for a short joy ride. Next thing I know, we're piling into his car (actually his dad's car) and I drove it around the church building. As I was just about ready to pull out of the parking lot Greg came out (pissed!) looking for his car. All I remember was him yelling at me, "D****t Mike! You don't steal people's cars!" Thanks Greg for that sound advice.
50. I won a car on The Price is Right!
51. I won two jet skis, but couldn't claim them because Ryan worked at the Hoagie Yogi where I filled out the raffle. Conflict of interest.
52. I worked at Walt Disney World (Disney MGM Studios to be exact) as an International Tour Specialist. My title sounded fancy, but all I did was translate and ride rides with all the guests who spoke Portuguese. I even got to eat dinner with those who invited me, while I was still working! That was the best job ever.
53. I signed hundreds of autographs on my mission, as all the teenagers thought I was some famous actor. I played along with it most of the time. Tom Cruise and Arnold Schwarzenegger were my next door neighbors. It was fun being famous.
54. I sang Tootie Frootie and Great Balls of Fire in front of hundreds of adoring fans while on my mission. Yes, on my mission. We lived in a college town, and about 5 blocks from the college. It wasn't just the teenagers that thought I was famous. That week my companion and I taught about 50 different college girls (no exaggeration). I have pictures that captured it all. As a missionary, this was extremely difficult, as one could imagine. The most difficult part was trying to convince them that I was a missionary, and not there to entertain them, let alone date them. Although, we did baptize two of them. That was one crazy area! I think my mission president knew of my weaknesses (I swear I didn't do anything more than a handshake) and transferred me 36 hours away from that area shortly afterward.
55. I was living in Dourados, a small town in the state of Mato Grosso do Sul (Thick Jungle of the South) when we were hit with the biggest tropical storm I have ever experienced. I thought I was going to die. It rained more in one hour than Los Angeles gets in 2 years. The power went out all over town, so it was literally pitch black for hours. Our roof worked as well as a tree covering the ground. I don't know how many leaks in the roof there were, but everything in the house was wet! I prayed that I would live to see the sun. Two days later, the rain stopped and the sun came out, and best of all I was still alive.
56. Scott and I would make a special liquid formula for our dog Pepper to drink. I don't remember everything we put in there, but two special ingredients were Tang and pee. It's amazing how much Pepper loved that formula.
57. I filled a 5 liter bucket with puke. This was on my mission, and needless to say whatever I ate didn't agree with me. My companion just sat on his bed and watched in astonishment. I vaguely remember him saying, "Dude, that's amazing!"
58. When I puke, I can't control the sounds that come out. It's quite violent. I've been told I sound like the abominable snowman attacking its prey, or if your my kids you'll laugh at me and say that I sound like a monster. That brings me to a time where I was crawling down the hallway, being that I didn't have the energy to stand up and walk. Aubree and Spencer were in Spencer's room playing. The next thing I know is that I'm puking my brains out in the hallway all over the carpet. They start laughing histerically. I start crying histerically (that's not a joke). As I continue to puke, Aubree sits on the bed, which is visible from where I was and says to Spencer, "Come over here where we have better seats for the show." I started to cry again, but all I could do was puke some more.
59. I had a difficult bowel problem once on my mission. I saw a doctor about the problem, and he said that I needed to bring a stool sample with me to my next appointment. "What do I poop in?" I asked quizzically. "Do you have a jar?" he asked. My thoughts immediately conjured up a pickle jar we had in our refrigerator. "Yes." "That's great. Do your business in the jar and bring it back to me next week." "Next week? Where do I keep it for a week?"... That evening, my companion opened the fridge to get something to drink. I was on my bed reading when I hear a loud scream, "Heywood! What the heck is this jar of CRAP doing in the refrigerator?" I couldn't stop laughing for hours. I love modern medicine.
60. It was once confused, by a waiter, that Bruce Ebmeyer and I were gay partners. About eight years ago, Bruce invited me to go see The Go-Go's and The B-52's in concert. Before the concert we went to PF Chang's for dinner. There were two other couples that were with us, but both had their spouses, and then there was Bruce and me. Let's just say that it was an unforgettable evening.
To be continued when I can think of more good stuff...
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