My Interesting, Funny, Bizarre, and Crazy Life

I actually got this idea from my cousin Joe who posted a list of interesting things about himself. As I read his post and laughing to the point of tears and an upset stomach, I couldn't help but reflect on my own life.

1. I married a blonde. If you understand the irony of that statement, you would have known me to not like blondes, and vowed that I would never marry one. No, my dream was to marry a hot dark-skinned, dark-eyed, dark-haired beauty, and have "beaner" children running around my house. Instead I married a hot light-skinned, green-eyed, blonde-haired beauty that gave me the equivalent features in our children (except for their brown eyes). I love you Amy!

2. I moved to Brazil when I was 19 years old as a full-time missionary representing The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I lived among the people of Brazil for two years, learned their language (Portuguese) and taught them the gospel of Jesus Christ.

3. I had 18 different missionary companions (9 American and 9 Brazilian), and we baptized about 70 people during those two years in Brazil.

4. In my first area, Sao Jose do Rio Preto, I felt like John Cusack's character in Better Off Dead, as the pyschotic paperboy chases him all over the place yelling, "I want my two dollars!" Well, it wasn't a paperboy, but there was this drunk guy that chased us all over town and begged us to baptize him. "I want to be baptized! Baptize me now!" One time he stole my missionary tag and put it on his shirt. "I'm not giving this back until you baptize me!" he shouted. The last thing I needed was for people to see this drunken pyscho wearing MY tag and bearing Christ's name. As I tried to get it back he kicked me and told me that it was his now. My companion held his arms behind his back and I was able to quickly grab my tag. We both took off running. From that day on he would literally chase us in his car and on his bike. We spent a lot of time hiding from that guy each day. This went on for about two months.

5. I was accused of kidnapping a kid on my mission. The story was published in the papers, and all over the news. It was my first and only run in with the cops ever in my life.

6. I cast a demon out of a possessed 14 year old girl. At the same time I cast out a Catholic priest and two ministers who were in the same room as the girl, as they were trying to help, but I pointed to them and shouted, "You don't belong here!" They didn't argue, and left immediately afterward.

7. I was literally boiled alive. I had a worm host, or should I say feast on my right foot and ate about an 1 inch x 1/2 inch crater before a doctor had me place it in boiling hot water to kill the worm. I had no feeling in my foot for over a week, and thought I would never be able to walk normally again.

8. I witnessed a car accident that decapitated one of the backseat passengers and left the other dead with two detached arms. There was a 12 year old boy who was seated in the front passenger's seat that walked away from the accident. Anytime I hear a loud explosion I think of this experience.

9. When I first got to Brazil, I didn't know much more in Portuguese than being able to bear a simple testimony, say a simple prayer, and ask where the bathroom was located. When I was leaving Brazil I had someone ask what part of the country I was from. I played it off by saying I was from Porto Alegre, a state in southern Brazil. That was one of the best compliments anyone ever gave me on my mission.

10. My first baptism was a man by the name of Carlos Marcos Silva Ribeiro Lamagna. My companion had to hold up a card with his name written on it as I read it. I had to restart the ordinance several times.

11. My second baptism was a woman by the name of Eliqoliolanda Lorena Batista de Souza. I had to restart the ordinance several times.

12. I baptized Winston Churchill. Winston Churchill de Batista was his full name. I had to try hard not to laugh.

13. I ate dinner with Cary Grant. Carey Grant de Batista was his full name. I did laugh.

14. I baptized about 10 people in water that was literally 45-50 degrees Fahrenheit. My hands, feet, and lips were blue.

15. I baptized an 84 year old woman who couldn't walk, so it took three of us to get her into the water, two of us to hold her up in the water and immerse her, and four of us to get her out of the water. I don't remember her name.

16. I received a love note from someone on my mission in the middle of Sacrament Meeting. My companion nonchalantly hands me a piece of ripped paper. I looked at the back, and written in English were these words, "I love you." I look over, and one of our investigators (who was certainly not ugly, I might add, but that's all I'll say about that) blows me a kiss. I nervously look around to make sure nobody is watching. I show the note to my companion and he starts to laugh. "What do I do?" I whispered. "Don't blow a kiss back," he replies.

17. I ate bull testicles, pig ears and pig snout, horse butt, monkey brains, and much more. After eating the first few items on the list I thought it was best not to ask what we were eating.

18. I slept with cockroaches every night for two months.

19. I slept with spiders every night for two years. Spiders were my friend. They ate all the other bugs around and left me alone. Any time I was transferred to a new area and saw spider webs above my bed, I would think, "Sweet! A new friend."

20. I took a shower with a black snake. Later my companion killed the snake with our metal pronged broom.

21. I got electrocuted while taking a shower. The water is heated by an electric current. Live open wires and water don't mix.

22. I was chased by a bull in the middle of a plantation in Sao Jose do Rio Preto, Brazil. I screamed like a little girl with scriptures in hand.

23. I saw the biggest spider I've ever seen in my life (at least the size of my hand) in our kitchen, and my companion jumped on it and squashed it. I've never seen a messier squish.

24. I killed over 200 cockroaches and had a bond fire with their corpses. How do I know there was over 200? I don't. But I'm probably close.

25. I lived and worked in three different states (Utah, California, and Florida) in less than 6 months.

26. In jr. high and high school I was known as Elvis.

27. I rolled a go-cart with no roll bars, which footage was caught on tape by cousin John.

28. I got peed on by my brother Scott while I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep. He simply walked over, pulled down his pants, and started peeing on me. He was about 5 years old.

29. I got peed on by my cousin John while I was in my grandparents' jacuzzi. I came up out of the water, as I was completely submerged (head and all), and I began to wipe the water from my eyes. The problem was that the water wouldn't wipe off. I opened my eyes to find out what was going on. To my surprise, I see John sitting on the edge of the jacuzzi with his shorts down and a stream of urine arching its way over to my head. He was about 16 years old.

30. Everyone within eyesight at Huntington Beach saw me in my birthday suit. I was trying to impress a cute girl that I had noticed earlier in the day. She and her friends had set up camp next to ours, so I was standing next to our fire with my shirt off, just wearing my swimming trunks. I've got my arms crossed as she's looking at me, and I'm looking at her. It was beautiful. All of a sudden, I feel my trunks go down to my ankles. My trunks were the only thing that was covering my manhood, so I bend over to pull up my shorts, not knowing that other people were behind us (other cute girls I might add) to give me an overwhelming applause and hoots and hollers. I immediately look around to see who the culprit was of pulling down my britches. My brother Scott was close by, so I began to pound him, not knowing that he was sick and just a bystander to the actual incident. Cousin Joe exposed me to everyone that day. Thanks Joe. I was about 16 years old.

31. I had a diarrhea attack at Seven Peaks while ice skating with a hot girl on our first date. All night long I wanted to hold her hand. All the couples were holding hands as they skated together to the music. It took me half the night to muster up the courage to grab her hand. I finally did it and she looked at me with a smile. Things couldn't have been better. Then all of a sudden, I had to fart. I didn't want it to come out, so I squeezed my buttcheeks as hard as I could as I skated. It wasn't easy, but I pulled it off like a pro. The song ended and another slow song came on. I couldn't hold my fart any longer, so I let it go just praying that it wouldn't be loud. It wasn't loud, but it was juicy. It was one of those that some people call a shart or foopy (fart and poop at the same time). I stopped skating and squeezed my cheeks tighter than ever. She knew something was wrong. "Are you okay?" she asked. I simply nodded and asked if she would mind if I used the restroom. Without waiting for her reply, I was off skating like a speed skater in the winter olympics. The gold metal wasn't on my mind though, it was better than gold--a place to relieve myself. As soon as I reached the bathroom, found my stall and sat down, not a second went by before I went nuclear. I swear I lifted up two feet. The guy next to me started busting up laughing. Other's in the bathroom started laughing. I was busting up (in more ways than one). There were more guys that entered the bathroom, and upon receiving the salutation of my nuclear waste into their nostrills, they immediately turned back around and headed for the exit saying, "Oh man! Someone's sick in there!" I was fixated to that pot for at least 20-30 minutes. Even after I was done I waited for the last guy in the bathroom to leave, as I was too embarrassed for them to see my face. When it was clear for me to get up and leave the stall, I took my chances, got up, flushed, darted to the sink, washed my hands and walked nonchalantly out the door. To my horror, my date was sitting on the bench that was just a couple feet away from the door. She looked at me in a disgusted-worried look and asked, "Are you sure you're okay? Do you need to go home?" Nothing really ever happened between us.

32. When I was about 8 years old, I had an accident that cut my left eye. The doctors said that the scar tissue would prevent me from being able to see out of that eye, as it cut across the cornea. My home teachers came to the hospital and gave me a blessing, which stated that my eye would heal completely, and that I would have full use of it. To this day, my vision is better out of that one eye than my other.

33. When I was 13 years old, I was in a severe bike accident that pretty much removed the entire left side of my face. I missed school for several days, and was told that my face would have a lot of scarring. The doctor told me I couldn't go back to school until my face had healed enough to be able to function normally, and until most of the scabbing was gone. What? My whole face was one big scab! It was the last week of school, and I wanted to go! That night I prayed and prayed that somehow I would be able to go to school the next day. I woke up and felt better than I had in a long time, looked in the mirror... believe it or not, my scabs were gone, I went to school! To this day my face has no scarring.

34. When I was about 25 years old (married with two children), my wife and kids and I were at my parents house one cold winter evening. I really wanted it to snow. I kept looking at the thermometer outside on the porch to make sure it was cold enough; and then I would look at the sky to see if there was any precipitation. Being the kid that I am, I actually said a silent prayer asking for it to snow. "If it be thy will," I repeated. As I'm looking out the window and looking up into the back porch light I see flakes coming down. I could not believe it, so I went outside to see what those flakes were. I came running in exclaiming, "It's snowing! It's snowing! I prayed that it would snow, and it's snowing!" My brother Ryan was out on a date with his girlfriend at the time (now his wife), and my mom was worried about him driving in the snow. She called him and asked where he was. "I'm in Victorville," he replied. "Hurry home, please. It's starting to snow, and I don't want you driving in it." "What? It's not snowing here," he responded back. "Please just come home before it gets really bad." Being the obedient son that he was (and still is), he took Tiffany home and headed home himself. About 20-30 minutes later, Ryan walks through the door laughing and saying to mom, "Did you guys know that there's only snow on your street, and a ton in your yard?" We didn't understand what he was talking about, so we had to go and investigate. Sure enough, there was a very light dusting that covered only about block. Other than that, there was no other snow. As for the snow in mom and dad's yard, there were several inches all over. Even though this was something simple, it shows the power of a simple prayer.

35. When Amy and I first got married, I was working in downtown Los Angeles, and living in Victorville. Of course I commuted every day, and saw lots of crazy things happen on the 10 freeway. One day, such a a crazy occurence happened to me... I was coming over the Kellogg hill, heading west at about 7:00am (in the middle of rush hour traffic), when I see, at the last second, a big rig tire in my lane (the fast lane). I reacted on impulse and swerved out of the way. My back tires were bald, which threw me into a spin. I spun 3 times, crossing 3 lanes of traffic, hitting the embankment off of the Grand Ave exit, coming out of the spin with my car going backwards straight into the exit sign, and finally stopping in the ivy that was along the freeway. I didn't hit one car! The sign that I supposedly hit was still standing. I know I hit it, because I even flinched at the sound, but it was still standing without a mark, as was my car. When the CHP officer came and was writing the report as to what happened, he couldn't believe that I didn't hit another car at that busy time in the morning. I couldn't believe it either. He also said, "It's a good thing you didn't hit that sign (the exit sign), because there's a hefty fine for knocking those down." I simply smiled and said, "I'm glad I didn't hit it either," but knew that I did. In fact, if you looked closely enough, the sign was actually in the middle of my two tire tracks! Explain that one.

36. I've met and conversed with Tom Hanks on six different occasions. By the sixth time, he recognized me, but didn't know my name.

37. I've also met and conversed with the following people: Ray Romano (very genuine and personable), Christina Applegate (nice, but timid), Drew Carey (very nice, funny and personable), Rita Wilson (nice), Peter Gallagher (acted like my best friend), Jason Alexander (drunk), Bill Pullman (very genuine and nice), Martin Short (drunk and freaking hilarious), Natalie Cole (drunk and not very personable-a disapointment), Angela Bassett (arrogant), Martin Sheen (arrogant), Matthew Perry (acted like my best friend), Wayne Knight (nice and personable), William Shatner (the biggest disappointment for me. Not very personable or geniune. His eyes were bloodshot, so I think he was drunk or high).

38. I was grounded for one year from cousin John. My high school band was performing at Disneyland one day, so John met me at Disneyland for the day. It was also the first day he got his driver's license. I didn't want to go home on the bus. I wanted to go home with John, so I lied to Dr. Lavallee saying that my grandpa was in the hospital after suffering from a heart attack, and that John was going straight over to the hospital from Disneyland. I asked if I could go with him to see my poor dying grandfather. He was reluctant to let me go, as it is illegal for him to do so, but he let me go nevertheless. John and I went out on the town and had ourselves a grand ol' time. Well, until we got back to his house in Fontana. There was a message for me from my dad stating that I must call him immediately. I did so, and to my surprise so did Dr. Lavallee, wishing him the best and stating that he will pray for my grandpa (my dad's dad). What surprised me the most was the fact that my dad actually went along with it and didn't disclose the fact that I lied about the entire situation, and that grandpa was at home in perfect health. Thanks dad. But he did ground me from John for an entire year. That sucked.

39. I stood up in Zeek's Jeep (with no top) on the freeway going 75 mph. I turned my head and pretended to be surfing. As soon as I did this my glasses went flying off onto the freeway. I had a hot date that night, and needed my glasses so I could see her, let alone drive her around. John, who was driving the Jeep, turned the Jeep around so I could retrieve my glasses from the fast lane of the freeway. We found my frames, and and then one lense, and miraculously we found the other lense. I taped my glasses up with masking tape and went on my date. We dated many times after that. She loved me because of my glasses.

41. I bit all the way through my bottom lip after falling off John's skateboard (The kamikaze), and smacking the ground just outside of Aunt Sally's daycare. I still have the scar inside and outside of my mouth.

42. My brother Scott and I used to take all of the Christmas ornaments and lights that were in storage and throw them against the wall in our "playroom", which was more like a storage room in the back of our garage. The bigger outdoor lights gave out a nice pop when they would break. Sorry mom and dad.

43. My brother Scott and I cut a hole in the roof to our "playroom", with which we would use as a toilet. I still remember sticking my naked butt over the hole looking down at Scott asking, "Are you ready?" Scott, with a five gallon bucket in hand, ready to catch my excrement exlaimed, "Ready!"

44. My brother Scott and I would climb on the roof of our house (a shingled rooftop), rip up the shingles and throw them as Frisbees. Sorry Dad.

45. I was involved in a boating accident. When returning to the dock from a day of water skiing at Silverwood Lake, my cousins and I were sitting in the bow of the boat. Grandpa Heywood, who was driving, apparently did not see a small fishing boat ahead. We rammed the boat, and instantly, the little fishing boat's engine broke off and sunk to the bottom of the lake. Nothing but exclamations of profanity exited the mouth of those in the fishing boat. Grandpa said nothing, and in his silence threw a rope to them and towed them to the dock. He never did say or comment about the incident anytime afterwards.

46. I socked cousin John in the face several times when we were asleep. I was dreaming that someone had stolen my birthday cake, so I cornered him and beat the crap out of him. I woke up to John crying.

47. I got sued when I was in 4th grade. Matt Mayoros taught me that when you hyperventilate and hold your breath while someone pushes on your chest really hard, it makes you pass out. We tried this several times and got kind of a high from "passing out". Being the 9 year old kid that I was, I just had to tell all my friends in Mr. Chancelor's fourth grade class. Michael Bowling was the first victim. As he hyperventilated and held his breath, we all (me, Nathan Kindschy, Carl Betts, Ronnie Baltiera and others) pushed on his chest. Michael certainly did pass out. The problem was that none of stayed near him to catch him when he fell. Yep, he fell flat on his face and knocked several teeth out. I believe he had reconstructive surgery as well. His family sued me and all of the other kids involved. I thought I was going to jail. Luckily, I didn't have to.

48. Matt Mayoros also taught me that if I held my breath and pushed the veins out of my forehead with the pressure, it too would also knock me out. I was sitting on the pot at Kelly Fredlund's store (Kelly's Appliance) one evening (I don't remember why we were there, but my dad and Steve were there too). I decided to try Matt's trick. The next thing I know is Steve is yelling to my dad from the bathroom door, "Dad! Something's wrong with Mike." "What do you mean?" dad asks. "I dunno, but he's he's laying on the floor naked in here." Little did they know I "passed out". Don't try this at home boys and girls.

49. I stole Greg Blackwell's car during church basketball practice and got caught. I was sitting on the stage with Sunni and Bambi (I think Bambi was part of this), bored out of my mind. I don't play basketball. Greg was being too cocky for me to watch anymore, so I asked Sunni if we should steal his car for a short joy ride. Next thing I know, we're piling into his car (actually his dad's car) and I drove it around the church building. As I was just about ready to pull out of the parking lot Greg came out (pissed!) looking for his car. All I remember was him yelling at me, "D****t Mike! You don't steal people's cars!" Thanks Greg for that sound advice.

50. I won a car on The Price is Right!

51. I won two jet skis, but couldn't claim them because Ryan worked at the Hoagie Yogi where I filled out the raffle. Conflict of interest.

52. I worked at Walt Disney World (Disney MGM Studios to be exact) as an International Tour Specialist. My title sounded fancy, but all I did was translate and ride rides with all the guests who spoke Portuguese. I even got to eat dinner with those who invited me, while I was still working! That was the best job ever.

53. I signed hundreds of autographs on my mission, as all the teenagers thought I was some famous actor. I played along with it most of the time. Tom Cruise and Arnold Schwarzenegger were my next door neighbors. It was fun being famous.

54. I sang Tootie Frootie and Great Balls of Fire in front of hundreds of adoring fans while on my mission. Yes, on my mission. We lived in a college town, and about 5 blocks from the college. It wasn't just the teenagers that thought I was famous. That week my companion and I taught about 50 different college girls (no exaggeration). I have pictures that captured it all. As a missionary, this was extremely difficult, as one could imagine. The most difficult part was trying to convince them that I was a missionary, and not there to entertain them, let alone date them. Although, we did baptize two of them. That was one crazy area! I think my mission president knew of my weaknesses (I swear I didn't do anything more than a handshake) and transferred me 36 hours away from that area shortly afterward.

55. I was living in Dourados, a small town in the state of Mato Grosso do Sul (Thick Jungle of the South) when we were hit with the biggest tropical storm I have ever experienced. I thought I was going to die. It rained more in one hour than Los Angeles gets in 2 years. The power went out all over town, so it was literally pitch black for hours. Our roof worked as well as a tree covering the ground. I don't know how many leaks in the roof there were, but everything in the house was wet! I prayed that I would live to see the sun. Two days later, the rain stopped and the sun came out, and best of all I was still alive.

56. Scott and I would make a special liquid formula for our dog Pepper to drink. I don't remember everything we put in there, but two special ingredients were Tang and pee. It's amazing how much Pepper loved that formula.

57. I filled a 5 liter bucket with puke. This was on my mission, and needless to say whatever I ate didn't agree with me. My companion just sat on his bed and watched in astonishment. I vaguely remember him saying, "Dude, that's amazing!"

58. When I puke, I can't control the sounds that come out. It's quite violent. I've been told I sound like the abominable snowman attacking its prey, or if your my kids you'll laugh at me and say that I sound like a monster. That brings me to a time where I was crawling down the hallway, being that I didn't have the energy to stand up and walk. Aubree and Spencer were in Spencer's room playing. The next thing I know is that I'm puking my brains out in the hallway all over the carpet. They start laughing histerically. I start crying histerically (that's not a joke). As I continue to puke, Aubree sits on the bed, which is visible from where I was and says to Spencer, "Come over here where we have better seats for the show." I started to cry again, but all I could do was puke some more.

59. I had a difficult bowel problem once on my mission. I saw a doctor about the problem, and he said that I needed to bring a stool sample with me to my next appointment. "What do I poop in?" I asked quizzically. "Do you have a jar?" he asked. My thoughts immediately conjured up a pickle jar we had in our refrigerator. "Yes." "That's great. Do your business in the jar and bring it back to me next week." "Next week? Where do I keep it for a week?"... That evening, my companion opened the fridge to get something to drink. I was on my bed reading when I hear a loud scream, "Heywood! What the heck is this jar of CRAP doing in the refrigerator?" I couldn't stop laughing for hours. I love modern medicine.

60. It was once confused, by a waiter, that Bruce Ebmeyer and I were gay partners. About eight years ago, Bruce invited me to go see The Go-Go's and The B-52's in concert. Before the concert we went to PF Chang's for dinner. There were two other couples that were with us, but both had their spouses, and then there was Bruce and me. Let's just say that it was an unforgettable evening.

To be continued when I can think of more good stuff...